My childhood violence lasted until I was nearly 14 years old.  When it began, I have no conscious memory.  The second grade is the last clear feeling of normalcy.  Bits of memories that I can recall are best described as looking though water, rippled and distorted.  Even today, that period of time remains blurred.

Although the violence stopped around 14 years of age, the mental dysfunction (and post traumatic stress disorder) kept me on edge.  I ran away and became rebellious.  I was in an agitated state of confusion; first of all I was raised to believe we were all God's children and nothing could harm us.  That was such a big lie in my life but no one knew what was going on.  My religious mother certainly didn't.  We kids didn't talk about sexual abuse, violence, rape and incest.  It was the  60's and 70's, the summer of love.  Ha!

I acted out and became very self destructive for over 3 decades.  My intake of alcohol increased until it was certainly no longer a fun party for me, or for my family and friends.

It wasn't until I sobered up in 1991, (an amazing gift of Love) that I began to unravel the complex circumstances that led me down such a black road of destruction.

I "remembered" about 6 months in to sobriety the trauma I experienced as a child. The memories I had suppressed came back in full force.  So intense was my pain that I wanted to go to the store and buy the biggest bottle of vodka to block the memory.

I had prayed hard for sobriety and since the gift had been given to me after several months of intense prayer, the angels were not about to let me relapse.  So they cradled my heart next to theirs and we we rode out the storm of hate, rage and intense anger. They were there when I finally released all the pain I had suppressed.

My screams began in the bottom of my feet and shot pain through my body like a lightening bolt.

My tears flowed in rivers.

And my crushed heart asked, "why", "why", "why" as if there was an explanation for this level of betrayal.

"You were supposed to love me and protect me."

"You were family."

You betrayed me."

"How could you do this to me?"

Throughout the weekend I was alone.  It was the right time to let this pain go.  I didn't know it but my guardian angels were there to help me and have remained with me since then.

Sobriety opens your mind to healing and part of the healing is reliving the pain so you can let it go.

Once the secret is out in the open, spoken, it no longer has any power over you.  The minute I faced these demons I had kept secret for so long, I was free.

Eventually, and this took years, Private Family Matter was born.  It is to help others find freedom from childhood abuse, brutality, torture of all kinds.

Private Family Matter is a voice for those who can't speak, especially those who currently survive in violent and/or sexually abusive, torturous homes.

It is also for those poor souls who died.  They speak to me now offering their thoughts and feelings when I have no personal experience with a particular subject.